@Jake_Vig

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

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@looksliketuttut

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

@bocxtop

girl came up to me at LAX and said i looked familiar so i said prob from twitter? she was like omg yea so she took my phone to add me on ig snap etc. then left for her gate, entire flight home i felt like the man but i just landed and bro she cashapp’d herself $500 from my acct

@ericsshadow

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

@kimtopher22

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

@alexlumaga

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

@joshcomers

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

@AndyAsAdjective

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

@UncleDuke1969

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

@iLikeCatShirts

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family