Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*