Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…