A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
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BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Me: Alexa have you seen the rest of my acid?
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger