“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
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Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.