[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
How all things should be taught/explained.