Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

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Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!


I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit


[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?


I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.


Professor Snape caught Harry in the hall after dark and out of NOWHERE Lupin pops out in the hallway to save him. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT


I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.


It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.


[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored


Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.

After: get them to put on pants.