@thepunningman

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

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@TheTweetOfGod

I’ll never set a book in the ancient Roman Empire again. Ben Hur, done that.

@Lance_Said_This

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

@WilliamAder

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

@EricGoldie

If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

@shelbyfero

“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”

@joejwest

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

@brynnester

Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?

Farmer: The cattle eat it

Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat

@jellybnbonanza

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.