I’ll never set a book in the ancient Roman Empire again. Ben Hur, done that.
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
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Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.
Sarcasm is like hitting someone in the face with a bat, but with words.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?
Farmer: The cattle eat it
Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.