Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Professor Snape caught Harry in the hall after dark and out of NOWHERE Lupin pops out in the hallway to save him. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.
After: get them to put on pants.