@thepunningman

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

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@SuperTeeWhy

[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]

“Damn”

@JoshuaHvr

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

@OhhCathcart

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

@DaddyJew

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

@TigNotaro

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

@ArfMeasures

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

@CMHorrocks

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

@Aikiwomannc

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

@markhoppus

[helpful honda people reluctantly helping me bury a body]