@thepunningman

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

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@xLiserx

Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!

@bourgeoisalien

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

@dyldonot

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

@KKBowls

I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.

@petedavidson

Professor Snape caught Harry in the hall after dark and out of NOWHERE Lupin pops out in the hallway to save him. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

@trevso_electric

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

@AndyAsAdjective

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

@yenniwhite

Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.

After: get them to put on pants.