Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
You Might Also Like
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.