[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
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*Flips over cards*
It was your TC in the KIK room with the retweeter.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
[helpful honda people reluctantly helping me bury a body]