“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
You Might Also Like
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government