Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they’ll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.

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In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned


You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?


My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.


“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee


media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong


When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now


What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?


I’ll show myself out.


If you really loved me I’d be a weird smell coming from your crawlspace right now


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Slap a man with the same fish and the video will go viral in under 48 hours. #Truth


Being a Twitter elite is like being the most popular patient in the asylum.