@Parentpains

Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they’ll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.

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@isabelzawtun

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

@zero3_benz

You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?

@NYC_Blonde

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

@lizard_wizard77

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

@jaboukie

media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong

@turtledumplin

When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now

@TheMichaelRock

What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?

Twerky

I’ll show myself out.

@ThisLocalHater

If you really loved me I’d be a weird smell coming from your crawlspace right now

@LordofScribble

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Slap a man with the same fish and the video will go viral in under 48 hours. #Truth

@LetsFav

Being a Twitter elite is like being the most popular patient in the asylum.