If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
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(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
based al yankovic
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids