Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
The opposite of goth is stopth.