Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
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Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Meat Cute
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.