Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
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Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
This made me smile…
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not