Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
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Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Banana is the quietest snack
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*