[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
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I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.