@Skoog

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

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@stillwondering1

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

@robin_991

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

@TheAlexNevil

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

@ilovepie84

I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep

@bobvulfov

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!

@Sassafrantz

Changed Grandma’s email signature to “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

@LizerReal

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends