[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

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Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.


Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”


Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.


I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep


demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work


Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!


Changed Grandma’s email signature to “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!”


Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC


Joseph: 1 minute BC



taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends