Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
You Might Also Like
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!
Changed Grandma’s email signature to “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!”
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends