[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
You Might Also Like
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
not for long
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣