*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
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Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
School be like
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?