The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I’m not stressed
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.