“IF YOU’RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON–” “stop rapping, Grandma” “–I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN’T ONE”
[naming our daughter]
wife: i love the name anna
me: i love soft french cheeses.
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, “So are you sick?”
No, I’m just here for the free CNN.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My new year’s resolution is that donuts have no calories.