I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
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Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Posting this on behalf of a friend
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me too 😆
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.