My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader