According to my current parking spot I’m a physician
You Might Also Like
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
the two year old I nanny just said “ahh loud raisins” as a response to me grinding the coffee beans soooo she’s already better at improv/comedy than literally half this town
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.
FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.