You haven’t mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it’s about them
Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
britain’s three elite institutions
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what