I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I need a headline like this
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know