@SortaBadass

Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper

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@Alyssa_Jolie

You haven’t mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it’s about them

@druuuck

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

@JermHimselfish

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

@ninatreemonkey

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

@SortaBad

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

@Mirimade

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

@ohJuliatweets

I like Triscuits because sometimes you just want to eat a wicker basket.

@ellewasamistake

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what