[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Never ghost your hitman.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Oh hi lol
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Do one person every day that scares you.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.