Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
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I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.