@JediGigi

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

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@RiotGrlErin

[speed dating]

them: describe yourself in 6 wor—

me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people

@tesselatrix

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

@maisondecris

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

@JediGigi

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

@StephanieOKC

Someone needs to tell Madonna you can’t call it “Girls Gone Wild” when you’re a 100.

@iwearaonesie

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

@JD_Barney

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn’t fit him, then he added “they fall right off”

@julcasagrande

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

@crunkdumpster

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”