Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

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[speed dating]

them: describe yourself in 6 wor—

me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people


Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.


Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority


[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.


Someone needs to tell Madonna you can’t call it “Girls Gone Wild” when you’re a 100.


[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*


I was really excited when he said that condoms didn’t fit him, then he added “they fall right off”


I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it


Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?