If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Nana’s house is getting real bad, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.
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I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
A good business strategy is to have a donut-shaped meeting room table that rotates around you at 200 rpm as everyone struggles to cling on and you sit in the middle, laughing
[first 2 hours of meeting]
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you?
*Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
ME: I’d be lost without u