Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net