Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Who’s your best friend?
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
#JohnTravolta
that’s really how it is
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.