If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
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Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
describing stardew valley
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to