Nancy Grace just called pot smokers “fat and lazy”. Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o’clock on a Monday watching your show.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!
911: Be cool
Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
You didn’t come here to be insulted? Why? Where do you usually go?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”