[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!