[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
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Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.