@thatdutchperson

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

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@NatetheEnigma

Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.

@causticbob

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

@XplodingUnicorn

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

@TheAlexNevil

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

@GingaSnapppa

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

@Darlainky

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

@ChrisTrauma

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

@ohpegah

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

@HomeWithPeanut

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

@SaraMansford

Netflix: Want to keep watching?

Me: Do we really need to do this?

Netflix: It’s just, it’s been 75 hours and I can hear your kids crying.