[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

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Nobody expects you to tweet brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.


You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.


When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.


This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.


I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.


My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.


“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun


*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?


Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.


Netflix: Want to keep watching?

Me: Do we really need to do this?

Netflix: It’s just, it’s been 75 hours and I can hear your kids crying.