[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Alexa: *deep breath*
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*