[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
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Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.