narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
You know…for fall…
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
The point of your 20s
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”