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Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird


After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.


i love the term “partners”
are we dating?
are we robbing a bank?
do we run a legal firm?
Who knows man


[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom


My mom pops out from under the table while I’m on a date.

She’s always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-


Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings


BELLE: There goes the baker with his tray like always
BAKER: well there goes Belle, singing her DAILY MEAN SONG about us


My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.


I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I’m Asian.