white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
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Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
when dads have a rap battle
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.