Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
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*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye