Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
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My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*