@PantlessCanuck

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

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@FilthyRichmond

I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility.

@SternoShots

I sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.

@UnFitz

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

@AndyAsAdjective

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

@dumbbeezie

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

@tweetsvisual

Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.

@oigoabuya

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

@samdunsiger

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.