Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
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He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.