Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

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I sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.


For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.


Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf


My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.


Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.


1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents


Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.