Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Note to self: I am a note
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
When libraries troll their patrons.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”