NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
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Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.