@ErrenMichaels

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

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@kelkulus

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

@TheRolo

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

@tastefactory

COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won’t eat ur way out of these
CROOK: Sure

@Playing_Dad

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

@unravelingfire

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

@Momtoteens

I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.

@FattMernandez

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

@pittdave13

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

@simoncholland

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.