It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
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If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won’t eat ur way out of these
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
LET HIM FIGHT YOU COWARDS
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.