*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
You Might Also Like
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Cashiers are always checking me out
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.