NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
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[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”