nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.