NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
he looks great for his age
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”