NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
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[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I’m giving up for Lent.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.