@chuuew

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

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@BuckyIsotope

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

@ohen39

me: I’m gonna spend valentine’s day alone
doctor: no you’re not
me: *blushing* are you asking me out?
doctor: no. you’re dying

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

@singwithTaffy

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

@ChrisThayerSays

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

@KalvinMacleod

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

@Robert_Beau

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

@Love_bug1016

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos