@chuuew

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

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@man_spach

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

@KateWhineHall

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

@UncleDuke1969

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

@TravLeBlanc

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

@XplodingUnicorn

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

@wittwitbarista

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

@iwearaonesie

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

@daemonic3

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”