@chuuew

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

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@Slygirl08

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

@Tmoney68

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

@KalvinMacleod

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

@thesulk

My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

@jdbalani

Define Marriage: It’s a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.

@iwearaonesie

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*