Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
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Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Define Marriage: It’s a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*