NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

You Might Also Like


“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard


Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*


I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.


My stomach just made the sound of a 68-year-old Long Island woman seeing her granddaughter for the first time.


Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…


Define Marriage: It’s a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.


*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*