A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life