They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
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People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Big Sex has us all fooled
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying