My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
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Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Driving with one hand on top of the steering wheel, because “10 and 2” is 12
According to this tray of lasagne, I’m a family of 4.
RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately
DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?
DOCTOR: What have you been eating?
DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
White Rabbit: oh shit
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD