NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
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may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.