NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.