How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
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I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have “followed” me. I’m getting choked tonite. Help.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.