NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

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How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby


I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have “followed” me. I’m getting choked tonite. Help.


We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”


The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat


Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus


[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?


If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler


[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.


Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.


Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.