@PleaseBeGneiss

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

- @PleaseBeGneiss

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@JhonRules

*dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit

@FrenulumBreve

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

@iwearaonesie

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

@Twtercide

911: What is your emergency?

Me: Fire

911: Riley, is that you?

Me:….

911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.