@Cool_Jesse NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
@PleaseBeGneiss NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
- @PleaseBeGneiss
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@Cool_Jesse 
@baronvonbike *starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
@JhonRules *dumps Gatorade on an alligator*
How does your family taste you green piece of shit
@senderblock23 Batman (1989): An orphan fights a clown
@FrenulumBreve [at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
@EtobicokeErnie My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.
@alplicable 
@sarcasticmommy4 I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
@iwearaonesie [movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
@Twtercide 911: What is your emergency?
Me: Fire
911: Riley, is that you?
Me:….
911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.