NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
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Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
the three branches of government
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra