NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
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I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
You got this…
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I needed a laugh this morning.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.